Grief is a difficult and personal experience, and finding the right words to say to someone in mourning can feel nearly impossible. After losing my husband to pancreatic cancer in July, I’ve encountered many well-meaning people who have struggled to say the right thing. While every person’s grief is unique, there are some common missteps I’ve observed, both through my own experience and conversations with others in grief. Here are five things you might want to avoid saying to a grieving friend:
1. “How are you?”
Though this question is often asked out of care and concern, it can be overwhelming for someone in the midst of grief. Emotions fluctuate constantly during such a difficult time, and answering such an open-ended question can feel impossible. Are you asking how I am in this moment, or how I’m coping in general? Instead, it’s often easier to ask specific, manageable questions like, “How was your first day back at work?” or “How did dinner go last night?” These focused questions are less daunting and more approachable.
2. “How can I help?”
It seems like a considerate thing to ask, but when grieving, it can be hard to know what help you need, or even have the energy to articulate it. Instead of placing the burden on the grieving person to come up with an answer, consider offering specific acts of kindness without asking. For example, drop off food, flowers, or offer to help with household chores. One of the most helpful gestures I received was a friend who simply rolled up her sleeves and started washing dishes without asking for permission or instructions.
3. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through.”
This phrase, while well-intentioned, can make the grieving person feel isolated, as though their pain is unimaginable. In reality, loss is a universal experience. My daughter, a teenager, expressed frustration with this phrase, noting that many people have seen movies or read stories about loss. Instead, try connecting with the grieving person by sharing a personal experience or memory. Acknowledging their pain, rather than distancing yourself from it, can offer comfort.
4. “This is so unfair.”
Many friends expressed this sentiment to me, but I found it unhelpful. Life is often unfair, and acknowledging that fact doesn’t ease the pain. After my husband’s diagnosis, our grief counselor introduced the concept of radical acceptance—accepting life as it is, even when it’s painful or unjust. Rather than focusing on the unfairness of a situation, it can be more helpful to ask, “What’s the best way forward from here?” Shifting from frustration to acceptance has been a powerful coping tool for me.
5. “I want to come give you a hug.”
Physical comfort, like offering a hug, seems like a natural way to support someone who is grieving. However, grief is exhausting, and the grieving person may not have the emotional energy for physical closeness or comforting others. Some of my friends arrived at my door with tearful faces, expecting to grieve together, but it often felt like I had to console them rather than focus on my own emotions. If you do visit a grieving friend, try to bring positivity and lightness rather than additional sorrow.
What to Say When There Are No Words
Sometimes, the most comforting thing you can do is send a heartfelt message in a letter, email, or text that allows the grieving person to process it in their own time. I received a beautiful lacquered box from a friend, meant for storing condolence cards and memories, which helped me reflect on my husband’s impact. It’s also okay to admit that you don’t know what to say. One friend recently texted me, “I haven’t found the right words to text you.” That honesty was exactly what I needed to hear.
In the end, it’s important to remember that every grieving person’s needs are different. Listening, offering support without expectation, and allowing space for them to navigate their emotions can be the most meaningful way to be there for someone in mourning.
